Quiet Color

by ted dancin (pic by chris chan)

I recently embarked on a thirty day oath of sobriety due to a sharp sinking feeling and a recurring cerebral pain that I termed to be “drug headaches.” As a habitual pot smoker and frequent social drinker, the length of abstinence (while paltry to some) represented a formidable challenge to myself that would double as a landmark of control and purpose for my previously unfocused mind. Currently at the trial’s midpoint, I’ve formed some observations on lifestyle and social practice that I’ve deemed worth jotting down.

Artist: Una Mae Carlisle Song: There’ll Be Some Changes Made

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An increased patience with art and music

I think this most directly relates to attention span. Drugs and alcohol are clear perpetuators of our A.D.D. culture. When I drink a substantial amount, my primitive urges become more pronounced and I have a tendency to seek immediate satisfaction. When I get high, my brain activates and seeks stimulus to frolic with, but is less discriminate in regards to overall intellectual value. The need for immediacy can at times cut my journey short towards understanding higher levels of music and art. This is definitely a case by case relationship and clearly I’m no Jimi Hendrix. But the fact that I can be thoroughly entertained by the Disney channel when I’m blazed out of my mind, probably isn’t a good sign.

In the last two weeks I’ve rediscovered a patience for jazz instrumentals which had laid dormant in my iTunes, I’ve read more than I have in the two months prior, and I find myself interested in facets of art that I had previously sidestepped. I credit all of this to a new found willingness to listen deeply and to a re-realization that most things are actually quite interesting when you take the extra moment to explore.

Artist: Andrew Bird Song: Nyatiti

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Courting and going on “dates” without the reliance of alcohol

Rather than be overly presumptuous, I’ll call this a personal obstacle because there’s no denying that I used to rely on alcohol as a facilitator for more direct communication in dating situations where my nerves would have otherwise gotten the best of me. This has been the most painfully enjoyable task over my past couple weeks. While it has been easier to see who I actually care about, I’m slowly adapting to not letting outside substances do my talking for me. The race track has most definitely been lengthened, and the finish line stretched farther away, but my absolute presence in every moment and conversation that I’ve shared has made the ride more enjoyable and the experiences more qualified.

Dealing with small conflicts without the use of a bowl pack

This was definitely hardest my first couple days. A hit of weed was always the sweet smack in the face I needed to remind me that 99.9 percent of life’s disagreements were based on arbitrary details that could never be supremely proven or dis-proven. The same goes for those small bumps in your day that seem so crucial and impeding at the time, but they really only require a deep breath or a Tic Tac break. “Why is my internet going so F’n slow right now!” “Where the hell are my keys?! I’m already ten minutes late!” or “Why didn’t I do my laundry when I had time yesterday?! Now I’m busy and won’t have clean underwear ’til Friday!” While all those things do kind of suck. It’s amazing how less annoying they are when you deal with them sanely and with a deep breath rather than compounding the problem like a rampaging a-hole.

The difference between changing yourself verses a change in your environment

This realization has made me more entertaining when I have gone out socially into the wild New York night. Rather than sit at a bar quietly while drunken morons spout word fragments dripping with spit and anterior motives (wow I sound resentful), I actually revel in situations where a boat load of people are wasted around me. I’ve been getting a natural high being the sober guy in the room due to a perceived connection between myself and the surrounding environment. I realized that prior to my straight edge oath, I’d get trashed to alter my perception of the people and things around me. Now, by staying sober around a room of drunk people, the environment and its inhabitants have become altered, creating the same disconnect/illusion that my mind needs to rationalize its idea of social freedom. To oversimplify it, instead of saying whatever I want and/or thinking everything I say is right because I’m drunk, I still say whatever I want and think that I’m probably right if I am in an environment where everyone but me is drunk. Maybe it’s faulty logic but it made sense to me so I rolled with it.

Outro

In closing and for the sake of full disclosure, I should clarify that I’ve allowed myself caffeine through the consumption of soda and most predominantly, coffee. In hindsight, it’s abundantly clear that caffeine is most definitely a drug, utilized to combat bouts of inaction and laziness that could have otherwise been overcome with proper mind sets and decisions. But I still work part time in a cubicle, in 21st century corporate America, so I had to give myself that much.

It’s also worth noting that these are thoughts accumulated over a brief stretch of time that I’m sure a large portion of the population would have no problem staying sober for. But as a 25 year old working professional, living in Brooklyn, partying is a large part of life that you eventually need to get a grip on. While I plan on continually filling my life with new and adventurous experiences, I’m attempting discern the fine line between drugs and alcohol enhancing episodes of time and full steam consciousness resulting in a more fruitful long term existence.